BBC1's MasterChef returned for its ninth series with more than four million viewers. MasterChef had 4.23 million viewers between 9pm and 10pm on Tuesday. ITV's coverage of Barcelona's thumping 4-0 win over AC Milan, which took Barça through 4-2 on aggregate, had 4.47 million viewers between 7.30pm and 10pm, and a match average of 4.9 million with a five-minute peak of 5.8 million. 
BBC2's Sue Perkins sitcom Heading Out looks to be an apt title as it could only manage six hundred and seventy eight thousand viewers, between 10pm and 10.30pm, including fifty thousand on BBC HD. Chances of that one getting a second series are looking increasingly remote. Three episodes into a six-part run, it's getting less than half the 1.8 million viewers it launched with two weeks ago, and the latest episode was down around fifty per cent on the previous week. At the same time BBC3's Bluestone Firty Two, its - allegedly 'controversial', at least according to the Daily Scum Mail - comedy drama about a bomb disposal unit in Afghanistan had five hundred and forty one thousand viewers. It was down from seven hundred and ninety nine thousand for its début last week. Channel Four's Shameless, three episodes in to its eleventh and final series, had 1.2 million viewers between 10pm and 11.05pm. Earlier in the evening, The ONE Show - with MasterChef presenters John Tordoe and Gregg Wallace as guests - collected an audience of 5.2m at 7pm for BBC1. On Channel Five, Dallas continued to struggle with only three hundred and seventy five thousand tuning in at 11pm. CSI attracted 1.68m at 9pm.
And, speaking of MasterChef, the second episode of the week was as thoroughly entertaining as the first. A whopping ninety minutes in length, it saw dentist James (with his lovely whitened teeth) and Dale progress to the semi-finals. However, the 'journey' ended for the previously impressive Emily and a, seemingly, really annoying lass called Ingrid (who, fatally, reminded one of Bossy-Boots Jacqui from a few series back, who blubbed when one her dishes went a bit pear-shaped because it 'meant so much' to her). Both had meltdowns of various degrees - poor Emily's was the biggest - and, sadly, left the competition.
Next week, it would seem, the format settles down a bit - no more hour-and-a-half episodes,
Doctor Who's executive producer Caroline Skinner is to depart the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama. Skinner - who joined the show in 2011 - will take up a new position at BBC Drama Production in London. 'It has been an honour to have been a part of Doctor Who, and a privilege to have worked with Steven Moffat and Matt Smith on this extraordinary show,' she said in a statement.
'I have hugely enjoyed my time in BBC Wales and would like to thank [BBC Wales' Head of Drama] Faith Penhale, and our wonderful production team for their unending commitment and brilliance. I will miss them all enormously, but I'm leaving Doctor Who in fine form, with the new series starting at Easter and the fantastic plans for the fiftieth anniversary already under way.' Skinner added that she is 'delighted' with her new BBC Drama role and is looking forward to 'the new opportunities and projects that [the position] will bring.' Faith Penhale her very self will now serve as Doctor Who's executive producer for the show's fiftieth anniversary special alongside showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat.
The late - and legendary - Irish comedian Dave Allen is to be honoured by the BBC with a special documentary celebrating his life and career. The one-hour programme will feature previously unseen archive footage of the comic, who died in 2005 aged sixty eight. Hopefully, they'll also dig out the 'ethnic Hamlet' sketch he did in around 1973 that never seems to crop on any of the Dave Allen At Large compilations. Because, it's bloody brilliant. It will also include interviews with friends and colleagues, among them Dame Maggie Smith, Steven Berkoff and the director Stephen Frears. Dave Allen Night will be broadcast on BBC2 next month. The documentary will see the cast and crew of the comedian's best known show - Dave Allen At Large - reunite to talk about their memories of working on the programme. Gilly Hall, Entertainment Commissioning Executive, called Allen 'an inspired and extraordinary comedian' who was 'ahead of his time and an acclaimed actor too.'
Born near Dublin in 1936, Allen was famous for performing his droll but sharp as a needle routines while perched on a stool, usually with a glass of whiskey and cigarette in his hand. In one memorable routine he gave the audience a lengthy monologue on tax (deciding that the next thing the government would tax would be sex - 'A kind of PAYF ... I was thinking of 'Fornicate' myself'). He ended the sequence by observing that even his glass of whiskey was only partly his. 'This much is mine,' he said, indicating a small amount at the bottom, 'the rest belongs to the Chancellor. Unfortunately, to get down to my bit, I've got to go through his. Cheers!' Although his first UK TV series was on ITV, he became better known through his guest spots on BBC1's The Val Doonican Show. That led to Dave Allen At Large for the BBC, which ran from 1971 to 1979 and then a few specials in subsequent years. He return to TV for an acclaimed - if 'controversial' , again according to the Daily Scum Mail - series simply called Dave Allen in 1990. He also made several serious television documentaries, including Dave Allen in the Melting Pot (1969), In Search of the Great Eccentrics (1974) and Eccentrics at Play (1975), all made for ITV. His last performance came in 1999, when he recorded a rare interview for Radio 4.
And, not for nothing, but it's pure dead hard not to stand up and salute the serendipity of the juxtaposition of new pope, His Holiness Frankie the First, being announced on the very same day that the BBC announces Dave Allen Night. (Thanks to Nick Roberts and Doug Morris for pointing that out and, may their God go with them!)
Meanwhile, just before His Holiness Frankie the First got the big gig, there was almost a surprise dark horse contender in the race for the next Pope.
Ben Whishaw has described BBC2's decision to axe The Hour as a 'shock and a disappointment.' The Skyfall actor played newsman Freddie Lyon on the period drama, which was cancelled after two series. Because not enough people were watching it. That's usually what happens to shows when not enough people watch them, they get cancelled.
Adam Hills has been given another series of his topical Channel Four show The Last Leg. Co-stars Alex Brooker and Josh Widdicombe will also return for the show, which began at the 2012 Paralympics before moving to its current Friday night slot at the start of this year. The news was announced by Channel Four's chief creative officer Jay Hunt at an event to mark positive portrayal of disabled people on TV. She also confirmed a second series of I'm Spazticus, the prank show written by and starring disabled people, which had been previously announced. Hunt said:
'To steal a phrase from The Last Leg, we have been asking if it's okay to treat disability differently – to escape from the idea that disability issues are niche. Whether it's the millions whose attitudes have been changed by The Undateables or the brilliantly funny prank show I'm Spazticus which let disabled people own the gag for the first time, we have been daring to take real risks to transform our coverage. Channel Four has also gone further than any other broadcaster in putting disabled presenters at the very heart of what we do. Two disabled presenters fronting a Friday night entertainment show shows how far we have already come. It isn't tokenism – it's about great presenters telling amazing stories.' Hills was born without a right foot, while sports reporter Brooker was born with hand and arm irregularities and a right leg which had to be amputated when he was a baby.
Rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove had 'not been told' about allegations of bullying by his advisers, a senior civil servant has claimed to MPs. The education secretary had been recalled by the education select committee for further questions about what he knew and when he forgot knowing it about a grievance claim at the Department for Education. But permanent secretary, Chris Wormald, claimed it was 'standard practice' not to inform ministers about such claims. Rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove claimed that 'procedures had been followed at every point.' He told MPs that he had first heard about the grievance case when he was contacted by the Observer newspaper. The education secretary was also challenged over the source of briefings against former education minister Tim Loughton, but claimed that his advisers had denied any involvement. When asked about 'inappropriate behaviour' by special advisers in attacks on individual journalists, rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove rejected an 'inappropriate' line of questioning. Rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove and Wormald had been recalled to answer questions about a senior civil servant's allegations of bullying by one of the secretary of state's special advisers, Dominic Cummings and by James Frayne, his department's former head of communications.
A Department for Education report into the allegations, written by a high-ranking civil servant, found no grounds for disciplinary action, but acknowledged the two men had been 'perceived as intimidating' at times and that 'bad language' had been used. The case was to be heard in an employment tribunal, with the secretary of state listed as the respondent. But the Department for Education settled the case with a reported twenty five thousand smackers pay-out before it got to an open court hearing. On 23 January, rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove was asked by Labour select committee member Ian Mearns whether he was 'aware of allegations of [special advisers] acting inappropriately to civil servants within the department?' To which, he answered: 'No.' The committee had recalled rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove and Wormald to 'further clarify' what they had known and when they had forgotten knowing it. Wormald told MPs that he had known about the grievance case, but that as there was 'no evidence of wrongdoing' he had not told ministers. Ian Mearns asked whether there was 'a contradiction' between not telling ministers of such claims against special adviser - when ministers had responsibility for special advisers. Under the ministerial code, the responsibility for the management and conduct of special advisers, including discipline, rests with the minister who made the appointment. The code says: 'Individual ministers will be accountable to the prime minister, Parliament and the public for their actions and decisions in respect of their special advisers.'
And, Gary's Cat, in this particular instance, is pure dead right.
Next ...
The three main political party leaders are to meet to see if they can strike a deal on the future of press regulation after lengthy talks on Tuesday appeared to leave a settlement some way off. David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Milimolimandi are to meet after prime minister's questions on Wednesday for private talks on the future of the press in the UK. Labour is also trying to put pressure on the Conservatives by tabling amendments to a crime and courts bill to allow Leveson-compliant legislation to be forced into the bill. Milimolimandi and Mad Hattie Harman have tabled a programme motion affecting the order in which issues are debated in the bill so that amendments relating to Leveson can be debated and voted upon. This programme motion is scheduled to be debated on Monday and, with the support of the Liberal Democrats, Cameron is likely to be defeated. It is understood from senior Lib Dems that Clegg plans to vote with Labour. The issue of press reform was not in the coalition agreement and so the Lib Dems are free to vote separately from the government. Alleged 'sources' allegedly close to Tuesday's talks say the issue outstanding between the sides has shifted from whether there is statutory underpinning of the royal charter required to make permanent the verification body responsible for overseeing the independent regulator. They say instead the outstanding issues focus on the autonomy of the press regulatory body and the need for the code to be written independently.
A senior prosecutor says 'significant' arrests are being planned in the coming weeks of people suspected of sexual abuse. Nazir Afzal, chief crown prosecutor for North-West England, said arrests in the wake of the Jimmy Savile revelations would continue. He said child sex abuse was 'more widespread than we ever imagined.' Afzal made the comments at a seminar organised by the think-tank Policy Exchange. The prosecutor said: 'There are significant arrests scheduled for the next few weeks.' Scotland Yard has so far detained eleven people under Operation Yewtree, its inquiry into historical allegations of sexual abuse linked to the entertainment industry. The investigation was launched in the wake of revelations that disgraceful old scallywag Jimmy Savile subjected hundreds of victims to sexual abuse over four decades. Those arrested include Gary Glitter, Freddie Starr and Jim Davidson and PR consultant Max Clifford. All are currently on police bail pending further inquiries and all deny the charges. The Crown Prosecution Service had received a number of files from police officers for its advice on whether charges should be brought. In a separate investigation, the presenter and football commentator Stuart Hall is facing a trial over allegations of rape and indecent assault, which he denies. The think-tank meeting was told that greater efforts were being made by police and prosecutors to 'build' cases against suspects to increase the prospects of conviction. Rather than relying on the evidence of one person, corroboration was being sought and police were exploring bringing more 'victimless prosecutions.' These would be trials in which a victim did not want to co-operate - but other evidence was available to present to a court. On Tuesday, the Inspectorate of Constabulary said that police forces had mishandled complaints and missed opportunities to apprehend Savile.
Meanwhile, Dave Lee Travis, the ex-Radio 1 DJ and Top of the Pops presenter, has been arrested over further allegations of sexual offences, Scotland Yard has confirmed. Travis, of Mentmore, was arrested on Monday after answering bail following his first arrest in November 2012 as part of Operation Yewtree.
Travis has been bailed to return to police in April. At the time of his first arrest, sixty seven-year old Travis denied any wrongdoing and stressed that the allegations against him had 'nothing to do with children.' Travis - whose nicknames included DLT and The Hairy Cornflake for reasons far too complicated to go into, dear blog reader, you really had to be there at the time - is best known for his twenty five-year stint on BBC Radio 1 which ended in a spectacularly stroppy on-air meltdown and resignation in 1993. He also presented editions of Top of the Pops on BBC TV in the 1970s and 1980s. Not that you're likely to see any of those episodes any time soon given the current climate, of course.
The Olympic Cauldron has been honoured at this year's South Bank Sky Arts Awards, winning the visual arts prize. The centrepiece of the London Olympics, designed by Thomas Heatherwick, beat the Olympic Velodrome and Turner-Prize nominated artist Paul Noble. James Bond film Skyfall triumphed over The Imposter and Berberian Sound Studio to take best film, while Jessie Ware picked up the pop music prize. Melvyn Bragg hosted the seventeenth annual awards at a ceremony in London. Celebrating the best of British culture, the awards cover twelve categories including comedy, literature, theatre and dance. Skyfall producer Barbara Broccoli said it was 'an honour' to win the best film award, adding she planned to keep Daniel Craig for as long as possible. 'I'm not letting Daniel go anywhere - he's staying right here,' she said backstage. The producer added she was 'devastated' director Sam Mendes had decided to leave the franchise, although she she hoped 'we will get him back' in the future. For the first time ever, all three nominees for best TV drama were BBC2 productions. Richard E Grant presented the prize to Parade's End - Tom Stoppard's adaptation of Ford Maddox Ford's books about a love triangle set against the backdrop of the First World War. Starring yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Rebecca Hall, the series saw off competition from the thriller Line of Duty and The Hollow Crown, the BBC's dramatisation of Shakespeare's history plays, produced by Mendes.
'I'm very proud of what we did, the other two dramas in the category were excellent dramas,' Cumberbatch said. Other awards went to BBC2's Olympic satire Twenty Twelve, starring Hugh Bonneville and Jessica Hynes, which won best comedy. The National Theatre won the theatre award for its production of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, while the dance prize went to the Scottish Ballet for A Streetcar Named Desire. And Booker and Costa-prize winner Hilary Mantel won the literary award for her best-selling novel, Bring Up The Bodies, beating former Booker rival Will Self and début novelist, Kerry Hudson. Award-winning actress Julie Walters was honoured with the outstanding achievement award for her 'extraordinary' career that has spanned almost forty years. Walters, who gained international recognition for her role in Educating Rita in 1983, was presented with her prize by long-time collaborator, Victoria Wood. The actress dedicated her award to the 'wonderful people I've worked with,' including her agent, friends, family and her husband who was not able to attend the ceremony as he was 'snowed in' on their farm. 'I couldn't do what I wanted to do without him,' she said. Comedian Tim Minchin, who wrote the songs for last year's South Bank theatre prize winner, Matilda, presented this year's breakthrough award to actor Tom Hiddleston. As well as film roles in Thor and The Avengers, the actor played Captain Nicholls in Steven Spielberg's World War I film War Horse in 2011. Lord Bragg said: '2012 was a truly extraordinary year for this country, not only in sporting endeavours but across the arts. This list of most deserving winners is testament to the richness of artistic talent we have at work today and I am delighted that we able to celebrate and honour them as they deserve.' The awards ceremony will be broadcast on Sky Arts 1 on 14 March.
Channel Five has parted company with two of the few remaining executives who stayed with the broadcaster after it was bought by Richard Desmond, including long-serving factual entertainment chief Steve Gowans. Gowans, Channel Five's head of factual entertainment and sport, and Andrew O'Connell, head of factual, news and current affairs, are leaving as part of a management reshuffle by newly-installed director of programmes Ben Frow. Gowans, who has lived through a number of leadership regimes at the broadcaster since joining in 2004, is quitting within the next two weeks to make way for what is understood to be 'a flatter commissioning structure' under Frow. Also following Gowans out of the door is O'Connell, who leaves after more than three years at the broadcaster. It is not known if either has another job to go to. It is understood that Frow, who returned to the channel last year following the departure of Jeff Ford, wants to take more responsibility in this area and will be appointing more junior executives in the roles of commissioning editor and factual acquisitions executive.
Channel Five said in statement: 'Following discussion and a mutual agreement, Andrew O'Connell and Steve Gowans head of factual entertainment and sport will be leaving Channel Five and their roles will not be replaced. We'd like to thank them both for many years of hard work and dedication and we wish them the very best for the future. As part of this restructure all of the Channel Five programming team will now report directly to Ben Frow, Channel Five director of programmes and he will be adding a new commissioning editor and factual acquisitions executive to this team. Recruitment for these positions will begin immediately.' Frow, who joined Channel Five from Irish commercial broadcaster TV3, previously worked at the broadcaster as controller of features and entertainment from 2004 to 2007, developing shows including Diet Doctors, The Hotel Inspector and Cosmetic Surgery Live. So, some real quality examples of broadcasting there, then. Desmond, the owner of the Daily Lies and Daily Scum Express along with a number of soft core pornography titles and 'adult entertainment' digital TV channels, bought Channel Five for one hundred and four million smackers in July 2010.
Sky has announced the appointment of Adam MacDonald to the role of director of Sky1. MacDonald replaces Stuart Murphy, who has been given an expanded role overseeing Sky's entertainment channels Sky1, Sky Living, Sky Atlantic, Sky Arts, Challenge and Pick TV. MacDonald, who is currently vice president of programming at A+E Networks UK, will assume the role later in 2013, which also includes the overseeing of Sky1+1 and Sky2. 'It is such an exciting time to be joining Sky1,' MacDonald said. 'Sophie [Turner Laing - managing director of entertainment and news] has created a terrifically supportive and creative environment to work within and Stuart and his team of commissioners have been producing an exceptional slate of programmes over the last few years. It will be an honour to be working with them and together taking Sky1 to even greater heights.' Murphy added: 'I am delighted that Adam has accepted the role of director, Sky1. He's an ideal appointment - not only has he already run History to great success, but he shares our values of excellence and fun. We can't wait for him to join our fantastic commissioning and channel teams.' In his media career, MacDonald has previously held posts as controller of daytime and digital factual at ITV, head of daytime at Channel Four and head of planning and scheduling and BBC1. BBC executive Liam Keelan had previously been reported to have taken up the Sky1 director role, but he instead opted for the position of global editorial director BBC Worldwide.
Has Oliver Kay, The Times's chief football correspondent, been the victim of an elaborate hoax? His byline is on a story, billed as an 'exclusive', that is published across three pages of his paper on Wednesday. On the back page his story, Sheikhs Shake World Game, reports that the world's leading football clubs 'are to be offered enormous financial inducements to participate in a twenty four-team tournament every two years in Qatar and neighbouring Gulf states.' This breathtaking initiative, said to be 'backed by the Qatari royal family' and called The Dream Football League, would involve clubs such as Real Madrid, Barcelona and The Scum being offered as much as one hundred and seventy five million smackers to take part.
But this ain't necessarily so according to a piece on Yahoo's Eurosport. It claims the 'inspiration' for the story comes from a spoof article on the French website Les Cahiers du Football. Eurosport claims that almost all the details in The Times story can be found in Cahiers du Football's 10 March piece. And furthermore, the site has admitted via Twitter that its story 'came entirely from our imagination.' But Kay himself has since responded to the Eurosport article with a tweet saying that Cahiers du Football 'one hundred per cent NOT the source of my story.' Cahiers du Football responded: 'Maybe your "source" has got his "information" from our spoof, and fooled you. We ALL made it up.' Kay answered: 'It's a nice theory. Wrong, but nice.' And Cahiers du Football replied: 'We made it all up, including the picture. We know nothing about your "source", if it exists.' In another tweet, it said: 'Then we have invented something that was about to come true fifteen hours later. We're kind of geniuses. Should sell betting tips.' The Qatar Football Association has also issued a categorical denial of being involved 'in any such initiative.' In a tweet on Tuesday night, Kay did seem a little tentative about the 'credibility' of his scoop by tweeting: 'Often when you write a big story, you're desperate for it to come off so you "look good." Not so sure this time.' Though he denies any link to Cahiers du Football, it has to be said that the graphic used in The Times to illustrate Kay's story is exactly the same as the one on the Cahiers du Football site. Could it be another remarkable coincidence?
Unfunny horrorshow (and drag) Peter Kay is covering another pop music classic for this year's Comic Relief, giving his own 'unique' spin on the james classic 'Sit Down'. Oh, Christ Almighty, no. They used to hang people for lesser crimes than that.
Motown founder Berry Gordy will receive the Pioneer Award at this year's Songwriters Hall of Fame gala. The producer and record company boss signed the likes of The Miracles, Marvin Gaye, The Supremes, Stevie Wonder and The Jackson Five to his umbrella of Detroit labels. The award, established in 2012, honours those who have had a 'major influence on generations of songwriters,' said Hall of Fame chairman Jimmy Webb. The ceremony takes place on 13 June in New York, where a new musical based on Gordy's life has just made its début. Gordy, eighty three, will be the first living person to receive the accolade, which was posthumously awarded to folk singer Woody Guthrie last year. Webb described Gordy as 'an innovator and a visionary.
He created a label but more than that, he created a genre,' Webb said. 'He pioneered a marketplace for African-American artistry and then he invited the world in to enjoy it. Berry Gordy and the Motown sound are essential to the American music story.' Previously announced inductees this year include British songwriter Tony Hatch, Mick Jones and Lou Gramm of boring hair-metal tossers Foreigner, and another pair who could do with a decent visit to the barbers, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. Meanwhile, it has been announced that Bob Dylan will be the first songwriter to become an honorary member of the American Academy of Arts and Letters. According to its executive director Virginia Dajani, officials had trouble over whether the seventy one-year-old should be voted in for his words or his music. 'The board of directors considered the diversity of his work and acknowledged his iconic place in the American culture,' she said. 'Bob Dylan is a multi-talented artist whose work so thoroughly crosses several disciplines that it defies categorisation.' Founded in 1898 and based in New York, the Academy will host a dinner in April and an induction ceremony in May.
Playwright Alan Bennett is working on a new radio drama for BBC Radio 4 which has been adapted from an old screenplay. Denmark Hill is a modern day take on Hamlet set in South London 'without all the twiddly bits', Bennett said. Speaking to Mark Lawson on Front Row he said: 'I wrote it as a film script and nobody wanted it.' The play, written twenty years ago, was discovered by director Tristram Powell in Bennett's archive. 'It's another play I had forgotten about,' said Bennett, who worked with Powell on his 1988 dramatic monologue series, Talking Heads.
The seventy eight-year-old award-winning author and actor's new production of Untold Stories, an adaptation of his 2005 memoir, is transferring to the Duchess Theatre in London's West End. Comprising of two plays - Hymn and Cocktail Sticks - Bennett explores his relationship with his parents and reflects on his childhood experiences. Cocktail Sticks contains a story about being 'interfered with' by an adult male customer as a boy in a Leeds cinema. 'When I was young, ten or twelve, one often found one's legs were touched up by old gentlemen, in a mild sort of way,' he told Front Row. But he said it never went any further and 'it didn't bother me.' Bennett's award-winning play, The History Boys, directed by Sir Nicholas Hytner, sees grammar school teacher Hector, fondling his students on a motorbike. The writer said he had been asked by an audience member at the National Theatre whether he felt differently about his play in the wake of the Jimmy Savile fiasco. 'They implied that maybe I should alter the plot and that's a ridiculous idea. I did say that wasn't on the cards,' he said. The broadcast date of Bennett's new radio play, Denmark Hill, has yet to be confirmed. Bennett's full interview with Mark Lawson will be broadcast on Front Row on 20 March.
On Thursday evening, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self will be attending the latest of Uncle Scunthorpe's - superb - Record Player events at the Tyneside - the second of three such esoteric offerings this very week. Which is nice. Well, let's face it, it gets yer actual Keith Telly Topping out of Stately Telly Topping Manor and into the fresh air, which makes a nice change for normality. Anyway, dear blog reader, Thursday night's two mighty slabs on vinyl excess with a hole in the middle features one of the most conceptually dazzling of all the Record Players so far - The Dark Side of '67 with The Doors up against The Velvet Underground & Nico. Crikey O'Riley. East Coast versus West Coast. Acid versus heroin. Jim versus Lou. Dionysus, Aldous Huxley and William Blake versus Andy Warhol, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch and ooh, have a banana. Mouth-watering, so it is.
So, what we gonna do for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 33(s) of the Day, dear blog reader? Simply surrender to the plastic exploding inevitable. This is the end.
But not before you've waited for The Man.
BBC2's Sue Perkins sitcom Heading Out looks to be an apt title as it could only manage six hundred and seventy eight thousand viewers, between 10pm and 10.30pm, including fifty thousand on BBC HD. Chances of that one getting a second series are looking increasingly remote. Three episodes into a six-part run, it's getting less than half the 1.8 million viewers it launched with two weeks ago, and the latest episode was down around fifty per cent on the previous week. At the same time BBC3's Bluestone Firty Two, its - allegedly 'controversial', at least according to the Daily Scum Mail - comedy drama about a bomb disposal unit in Afghanistan had five hundred and forty one thousand viewers. It was down from seven hundred and ninety nine thousand for its début last week. Channel Four's Shameless, three episodes in to its eleventh and final series, had 1.2 million viewers between 10pm and 11.05pm. Earlier in the evening, The ONE Show - with MasterChef presenters John Tordoe and Gregg Wallace as guests - collected an audience of 5.2m at 7pm for BBC1. On Channel Five, Dallas continued to struggle with only three hundred and seventy five thousand tuning in at 11pm. CSI attracted 1.68m at 9pm.And, speaking of MasterChef, the second episode of the week was as thoroughly entertaining as the first. A whopping ninety minutes in length, it saw dentist James (with his lovely whitened teeth) and Dale progress to the semi-finals. However, the 'journey' ended for the previously impressive Emily and a, seemingly, really annoying lass called Ingrid (who, fatally, reminded one of Bossy-Boots Jacqui from a few series back, who blubbed when one her dishes went a bit pear-shaped because it 'meant so much' to her). Both had meltdowns of various degrees - poor Emily's was the biggest - and, sadly, left the competition.
Doctor Who's executive producer Caroline Skinner is to depart the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama. Skinner - who joined the show in 2011 - will take up a new position at BBC Drama Production in London. 'It has been an honour to have been a part of Doctor Who, and a privilege to have worked with Steven Moffat and Matt Smith on this extraordinary show,' she said in a statement.
'I have hugely enjoyed my time in BBC Wales and would like to thank [BBC Wales' Head of Drama] Faith Penhale, and our wonderful production team for their unending commitment and brilliance. I will miss them all enormously, but I'm leaving Doctor Who in fine form, with the new series starting at Easter and the fantastic plans for the fiftieth anniversary already under way.' Skinner added that she is 'delighted' with her new BBC Drama role and is looking forward to 'the new opportunities and projects that [the position] will bring.' Faith Penhale her very self will now serve as Doctor Who's executive producer for the show's fiftieth anniversary special alongside showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat.The late - and legendary - Irish comedian Dave Allen is to be honoured by the BBC with a special documentary celebrating his life and career. The one-hour programme will feature previously unseen archive footage of the comic, who died in 2005 aged sixty eight. Hopefully, they'll also dig out the 'ethnic Hamlet' sketch he did in around 1973 that never seems to crop on any of the Dave Allen At Large compilations. Because, it's bloody brilliant. It will also include interviews with friends and colleagues, among them Dame Maggie Smith, Steven Berkoff and the director Stephen Frears. Dave Allen Night will be broadcast on BBC2 next month. The documentary will see the cast and crew of the comedian's best known show - Dave Allen At Large - reunite to talk about their memories of working on the programme. Gilly Hall, Entertainment Commissioning Executive, called Allen 'an inspired and extraordinary comedian' who was 'ahead of his time and an acclaimed actor too.'
Born near Dublin in 1936, Allen was famous for performing his droll but sharp as a needle routines while perched on a stool, usually with a glass of whiskey and cigarette in his hand. In one memorable routine he gave the audience a lengthy monologue on tax (deciding that the next thing the government would tax would be sex - 'A kind of PAYF ... I was thinking of 'Fornicate' myself'). He ended the sequence by observing that even his glass of whiskey was only partly his. 'This much is mine,' he said, indicating a small amount at the bottom, 'the rest belongs to the Chancellor. Unfortunately, to get down to my bit, I've got to go through his. Cheers!' Although his first UK TV series was on ITV, he became better known through his guest spots on BBC1's The Val Doonican Show. That led to Dave Allen At Large for the BBC, which ran from 1971 to 1979 and then a few specials in subsequent years. He return to TV for an acclaimed - if 'controversial' , again according to the Daily Scum Mail - series simply called Dave Allen in 1990. He also made several serious television documentaries, including Dave Allen in the Melting Pot (1969), In Search of the Great Eccentrics (1974) and Eccentrics at Play (1975), all made for ITV. His last performance came in 1999, when he recorded a rare interview for Radio 4.And, not for nothing, but it's pure dead hard not to stand up and salute the serendipity of the juxtaposition of new pope, His Holiness Frankie the First, being announced on the very same day that the BBC announces Dave Allen Night. (Thanks to Nick Roberts and Doug Morris for pointing that out and, may their God go with them!)
Meanwhile, just before His Holiness Frankie the First got the big gig, there was almost a surprise dark horse contender in the race for the next Pope.
Of course, immediately after that photo was taken, all that could be heard by the assembled multitude was 'shit, it's The Clergy. I'm gettin' out of here...'
Adam Hills has been given another series of his topical Channel Four show The Last Leg. Co-stars Alex Brooker and Josh Widdicombe will also return for the show, which began at the 2012 Paralympics before moving to its current Friday night slot at the start of this year. The news was announced by Channel Four's chief creative officer Jay Hunt at an event to mark positive portrayal of disabled people on TV. She also confirmed a second series of I'm Spazticus, the prank show written by and starring disabled people, which had been previously announced. Hunt said:
'To steal a phrase from The Last Leg, we have been asking if it's okay to treat disability differently – to escape from the idea that disability issues are niche. Whether it's the millions whose attitudes have been changed by The Undateables or the brilliantly funny prank show I'm Spazticus which let disabled people own the gag for the first time, we have been daring to take real risks to transform our coverage. Channel Four has also gone further than any other broadcaster in putting disabled presenters at the very heart of what we do. Two disabled presenters fronting a Friday night entertainment show shows how far we have already come. It isn't tokenism – it's about great presenters telling amazing stories.' Hills was born without a right foot, while sports reporter Brooker was born with hand and arm irregularities and a right leg which had to be amputated when he was a baby.Rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove had 'not been told' about allegations of bullying by his advisers, a senior civil servant has claimed to MPs. The education secretary had been recalled by the education select committee for further questions about what he knew and when he forgot knowing it about a grievance claim at the Department for Education. But permanent secretary, Chris Wormald, claimed it was 'standard practice' not to inform ministers about such claims. Rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove claimed that 'procedures had been followed at every point.' He told MPs that he had first heard about the grievance case when he was contacted by the Observer newspaper. The education secretary was also challenged over the source of briefings against former education minister Tim Loughton, but claimed that his advisers had denied any involvement. When asked about 'inappropriate behaviour' by special advisers in attacks on individual journalists, rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove rejected an 'inappropriate' line of questioning. Rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove and Wormald had been recalled to answer questions about a senior civil servant's allegations of bullying by one of the secretary of state's special advisers, Dominic Cummings and by James Frayne, his department's former head of communications.
A Department for Education report into the allegations, written by a high-ranking civil servant, found no grounds for disciplinary action, but acknowledged the two men had been 'perceived as intimidating' at times and that 'bad language' had been used. The case was to be heard in an employment tribunal, with the secretary of state listed as the respondent. But the Department for Education settled the case with a reported twenty five thousand smackers pay-out before it got to an open court hearing. On 23 January, rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove was asked by Labour select committee member Ian Mearns whether he was 'aware of allegations of [special advisers] acting inappropriately to civil servants within the department?' To which, he answered: 'No.' The committee had recalled rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove and Wormald to 'further clarify' what they had known and when they had forgotten knowing it. Wormald told MPs that he had known about the grievance case, but that as there was 'no evidence of wrongdoing' he had not told ministers. Ian Mearns asked whether there was 'a contradiction' between not telling ministers of such claims against special adviser - when ministers had responsibility for special advisers. Under the ministerial code, the responsibility for the management and conduct of special advisers, including discipline, rests with the minister who made the appointment. The code says: 'Individual ministers will be accountable to the prime minister, Parliament and the public for their actions and decisions in respect of their special advisers.'
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Meanwhile, Dave Lee Travis, the ex-Radio 1 DJ and Top of the Pops presenter, has been arrested over further allegations of sexual offences, Scotland Yard has confirmed. Travis, of Mentmore, was arrested on Monday after answering bail following his first arrest in November 2012 as part of Operation Yewtree.
Travis has been bailed to return to police in April. At the time of his first arrest, sixty seven-year old Travis denied any wrongdoing and stressed that the allegations against him had 'nothing to do with children.' Travis - whose nicknames included DLT and The Hairy Cornflake for reasons far too complicated to go into, dear blog reader, you really had to be there at the time - is best known for his twenty five-year stint on BBC Radio 1 which ended in a spectacularly stroppy on-air meltdown and resignation in 1993. He also presented editions of Top of the Pops on BBC TV in the 1970s and 1980s. Not that you're likely to see any of those episodes any time soon given the current climate, of course. The Olympic Cauldron has been honoured at this year's South Bank Sky Arts Awards, winning the visual arts prize. The centrepiece of the London Olympics, designed by Thomas Heatherwick, beat the Olympic Velodrome and Turner-Prize nominated artist Paul Noble. James Bond film Skyfall triumphed over The Imposter and Berberian Sound Studio to take best film, while Jessie Ware picked up the pop music prize. Melvyn Bragg hosted the seventeenth annual awards at a ceremony in London. Celebrating the best of British culture, the awards cover twelve categories including comedy, literature, theatre and dance. Skyfall producer Barbara Broccoli said it was 'an honour' to win the best film award, adding she planned to keep Daniel Craig for as long as possible. 'I'm not letting Daniel go anywhere - he's staying right here,' she said backstage. The producer added she was 'devastated' director Sam Mendes had decided to leave the franchise, although she she hoped 'we will get him back' in the future. For the first time ever, all three nominees for best TV drama were BBC2 productions. Richard E Grant presented the prize to Parade's End - Tom Stoppard's adaptation of Ford Maddox Ford's books about a love triangle set against the backdrop of the First World War. Starring yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch and Rebecca Hall, the series saw off competition from the thriller Line of Duty and The Hollow Crown, the BBC's dramatisation of Shakespeare's history plays, produced by Mendes.
'I'm very proud of what we did, the other two dramas in the category were excellent dramas,' Cumberbatch said. Other awards went to BBC2's Olympic satire Twenty Twelve, starring Hugh Bonneville and Jessica Hynes, which won best comedy. The National Theatre won the theatre award for its production of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, while the dance prize went to the Scottish Ballet for A Streetcar Named Desire. And Booker and Costa-prize winner Hilary Mantel won the literary award for her best-selling novel, Bring Up The Bodies, beating former Booker rival Will Self and début novelist, Kerry Hudson. Award-winning actress Julie Walters was honoured with the outstanding achievement award for her 'extraordinary' career that has spanned almost forty years. Walters, who gained international recognition for her role in Educating Rita in 1983, was presented with her prize by long-time collaborator, Victoria Wood. The actress dedicated her award to the 'wonderful people I've worked with,' including her agent, friends, family and her husband who was not able to attend the ceremony as he was 'snowed in' on their farm. 'I couldn't do what I wanted to do without him,' she said. Comedian Tim Minchin, who wrote the songs for last year's South Bank theatre prize winner, Matilda, presented this year's breakthrough award to actor Tom Hiddleston. As well as film roles in Thor and The Avengers, the actor played Captain Nicholls in Steven Spielberg's World War I film War Horse in 2011. Lord Bragg said: '2012 was a truly extraordinary year for this country, not only in sporting endeavours but across the arts. This list of most deserving winners is testament to the richness of artistic talent we have at work today and I am delighted that we able to celebrate and honour them as they deserve.' The awards ceremony will be broadcast on Sky Arts 1 on 14 March.Channel Five has parted company with two of the few remaining executives who stayed with the broadcaster after it was bought by Richard Desmond, including long-serving factual entertainment chief Steve Gowans. Gowans, Channel Five's head of factual entertainment and sport, and Andrew O'Connell, head of factual, news and current affairs, are leaving as part of a management reshuffle by newly-installed director of programmes Ben Frow. Gowans, who has lived through a number of leadership regimes at the broadcaster since joining in 2004, is quitting within the next two weeks to make way for what is understood to be 'a flatter commissioning structure' under Frow. Also following Gowans out of the door is O'Connell, who leaves after more than three years at the broadcaster. It is not known if either has another job to go to. It is understood that Frow, who returned to the channel last year following the departure of Jeff Ford, wants to take more responsibility in this area and will be appointing more junior executives in the roles of commissioning editor and factual acquisitions executive.
Channel Five said in statement: 'Following discussion and a mutual agreement, Andrew O'Connell and Steve Gowans head of factual entertainment and sport will be leaving Channel Five and their roles will not be replaced. We'd like to thank them both for many years of hard work and dedication and we wish them the very best for the future. As part of this restructure all of the Channel Five programming team will now report directly to Ben Frow, Channel Five director of programmes and he will be adding a new commissioning editor and factual acquisitions executive to this team. Recruitment for these positions will begin immediately.' Frow, who joined Channel Five from Irish commercial broadcaster TV3, previously worked at the broadcaster as controller of features and entertainment from 2004 to 2007, developing shows including Diet Doctors, The Hotel Inspector and Cosmetic Surgery Live. So, some real quality examples of broadcasting there, then. Desmond, the owner of the Daily Lies and Daily Scum Express along with a number of soft core pornography titles and 'adult entertainment' digital TV channels, bought Channel Five for one hundred and four million smackers in July 2010.Sky has announced the appointment of Adam MacDonald to the role of director of Sky1. MacDonald replaces Stuart Murphy, who has been given an expanded role overseeing Sky's entertainment channels Sky1, Sky Living, Sky Atlantic, Sky Arts, Challenge and Pick TV. MacDonald, who is currently vice president of programming at A+E Networks UK, will assume the role later in 2013, which also includes the overseeing of Sky1+1 and Sky2. 'It is such an exciting time to be joining Sky1,' MacDonald said. 'Sophie [Turner Laing - managing director of entertainment and news] has created a terrifically supportive and creative environment to work within and Stuart and his team of commissioners have been producing an exceptional slate of programmes over the last few years. It will be an honour to be working with them and together taking Sky1 to even greater heights.' Murphy added: 'I am delighted that Adam has accepted the role of director, Sky1. He's an ideal appointment - not only has he already run History to great success, but he shares our values of excellence and fun. We can't wait for him to join our fantastic commissioning and channel teams.' In his media career, MacDonald has previously held posts as controller of daytime and digital factual at ITV, head of daytime at Channel Four and head of planning and scheduling and BBC1. BBC executive Liam Keelan had previously been reported to have taken up the Sky1 director role, but he instead opted for the position of global editorial director BBC Worldwide.
Has Oliver Kay, The Times's chief football correspondent, been the victim of an elaborate hoax? His byline is on a story, billed as an 'exclusive', that is published across three pages of his paper on Wednesday. On the back page his story, Sheikhs Shake World Game, reports that the world's leading football clubs 'are to be offered enormous financial inducements to participate in a twenty four-team tournament every two years in Qatar and neighbouring Gulf states.' This breathtaking initiative, said to be 'backed by the Qatari royal family' and called The Dream Football League, would involve clubs such as Real Madrid, Barcelona and The Scum being offered as much as one hundred and seventy five million smackers to take part.
But this ain't necessarily so according to a piece on Yahoo's Eurosport. It claims the 'inspiration' for the story comes from a spoof article on the French website Les Cahiers du Football. Eurosport claims that almost all the details in The Times story can be found in Cahiers du Football's 10 March piece. And furthermore, the site has admitted via Twitter that its story 'came entirely from our imagination.' But Kay himself has since responded to the Eurosport article with a tweet saying that Cahiers du Football 'one hundred per cent NOT the source of my story.' Cahiers du Football responded: 'Maybe your "source" has got his "information" from our spoof, and fooled you. We ALL made it up.' Kay answered: 'It's a nice theory. Wrong, but nice.' And Cahiers du Football replied: 'We made it all up, including the picture. We know nothing about your "source", if it exists.' In another tweet, it said: 'Then we have invented something that was about to come true fifteen hours later. We're kind of geniuses. Should sell betting tips.' The Qatar Football Association has also issued a categorical denial of being involved 'in any such initiative.' In a tweet on Tuesday night, Kay did seem a little tentative about the 'credibility' of his scoop by tweeting: 'Often when you write a big story, you're desperate for it to come off so you "look good." Not so sure this time.' Though he denies any link to Cahiers du Football, it has to be said that the graphic used in The Times to illustrate Kay's story is exactly the same as the one on the Cahiers du Football site. Could it be another remarkable coincidence? Unfunny horrorshow (and drag) Peter Kay is covering another pop music classic for this year's Comic Relief, giving his own 'unique' spin on the james classic 'Sit Down'. Oh, Christ Almighty, no. They used to hang people for lesser crimes than that.
Motown founder Berry Gordy will receive the Pioneer Award at this year's Songwriters Hall of Fame gala. The producer and record company boss signed the likes of The Miracles, Marvin Gaye, The Supremes, Stevie Wonder and The Jackson Five to his umbrella of Detroit labels. The award, established in 2012, honours those who have had a 'major influence on generations of songwriters,' said Hall of Fame chairman Jimmy Webb. The ceremony takes place on 13 June in New York, where a new musical based on Gordy's life has just made its début. Gordy, eighty three, will be the first living person to receive the accolade, which was posthumously awarded to folk singer Woody Guthrie last year. Webb described Gordy as 'an innovator and a visionary.
He created a label but more than that, he created a genre,' Webb said. 'He pioneered a marketplace for African-American artistry and then he invited the world in to enjoy it. Berry Gordy and the Motown sound are essential to the American music story.' Previously announced inductees this year include British songwriter Tony Hatch, Mick Jones and Lou Gramm of boring hair-metal tossers Foreigner, and another pair who could do with a decent visit to the barbers, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. Meanwhile, it has been announced that Bob Dylan will be the first songwriter to become an honorary member of the American Academy of Arts and Letters. According to its executive director Virginia Dajani, officials had trouble over whether the seventy one-year-old should be voted in for his words or his music. 'The board of directors considered the diversity of his work and acknowledged his iconic place in the American culture,' she said. 'Bob Dylan is a multi-talented artist whose work so thoroughly crosses several disciplines that it defies categorisation.' Founded in 1898 and based in New York, the Academy will host a dinner in April and an induction ceremony in May.Playwright Alan Bennett is working on a new radio drama for BBC Radio 4 which has been adapted from an old screenplay. Denmark Hill is a modern day take on Hamlet set in South London 'without all the twiddly bits', Bennett said. Speaking to Mark Lawson on Front Row he said: 'I wrote it as a film script and nobody wanted it.' The play, written twenty years ago, was discovered by director Tristram Powell in Bennett's archive. 'It's another play I had forgotten about,' said Bennett, who worked with Powell on his 1988 dramatic monologue series, Talking Heads.
The seventy eight-year-old award-winning author and actor's new production of Untold Stories, an adaptation of his 2005 memoir, is transferring to the Duchess Theatre in London's West End. Comprising of two plays - Hymn and Cocktail Sticks - Bennett explores his relationship with his parents and reflects on his childhood experiences. Cocktail Sticks contains a story about being 'interfered with' by an adult male customer as a boy in a Leeds cinema. 'When I was young, ten or twelve, one often found one's legs were touched up by old gentlemen, in a mild sort of way,' he told Front Row. But he said it never went any further and 'it didn't bother me.' Bennett's award-winning play, The History Boys, directed by Sir Nicholas Hytner, sees grammar school teacher Hector, fondling his students on a motorbike. The writer said he had been asked by an audience member at the National Theatre whether he felt differently about his play in the wake of the Jimmy Savile fiasco. 'They implied that maybe I should alter the plot and that's a ridiculous idea. I did say that wasn't on the cards,' he said. The broadcast date of Bennett's new radio play, Denmark Hill, has yet to be confirmed. Bennett's full interview with Mark Lawson will be broadcast on Front Row on 20 March.On Thursday evening, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self will be attending the latest of Uncle Scunthorpe's - superb - Record Player events at the Tyneside - the second of three such esoteric offerings this very week. Which is nice. Well, let's face it, it gets yer actual Keith Telly Topping out of Stately Telly Topping Manor and into the fresh air, which makes a nice change for normality. Anyway, dear blog reader, Thursday night's two mighty slabs on vinyl excess with a hole in the middle features one of the most conceptually dazzling of all the Record Players so far - The Dark Side of '67 with The Doors up against The Velvet Underground & Nico. Crikey O'Riley. East Coast versus West Coast. Acid versus heroin. Jim versus Lou. Dionysus, Aldous Huxley and William Blake versus Andy Warhol, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch and ooh, have a banana. Mouth-watering, so it is.
